I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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