mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
