I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
