Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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