Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
