I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just want to make out with him forever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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