I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
it's great music for shaving your balls
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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