I accidentally had phone sex last night
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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