so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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