This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
