After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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