Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
