Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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