I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
