new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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