Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Im part way to drunk.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
