i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just put wine in my tea
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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