Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize