Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
