Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
