I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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