apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
