Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
