Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
