I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
