This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
