you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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