Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
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Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
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the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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