It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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