i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
