U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
