dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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