dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
