pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
