I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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