I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
