it hurts more in the daytime
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
