I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
