you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
