Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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