My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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