No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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