my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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