I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
