ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
