the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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