Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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