allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
