If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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