is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
