I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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