I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
