Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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