I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
