I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
