you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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