you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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