I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
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i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
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Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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