First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
